Part 3 - One day in the Valley

After spending nine days in the hospital, I was released into my parents care, with every intention of heading back to Ontario. However, before I headed home, I wanted to go see my cousin and his family in Abbotsford, BC. After a while of hanging out with the family, my cousin, Ben and I went out for a coffee, he said he wanted to talk to me about an opportunity, I assumed he was talking about a business opportunity. I was wrong. Ben had seen the pitfalls of addiction first hand; through his brother, Joshua. Fortunately Joshua was able to recover and is now married with three beautiful daughters. I never really  spent any time thinking that I had a problem with alcohol. But the fact is I did, I do. I am a binge drinker, and when I start drinking, I have a very difficult time stopping. I’d often consume 25-30 drinks a night, at least once or twice a week. I convinced myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic because I didn’t drink every day. But come on, let’s call a spade a spade. There was a growing sense of fear in both Ben and Joshua, as well as my immediate family, that if I headed home to Ontario too soon, I’d fall back into old habits quickly. Ben offered to let me stay with him and his family in BC for a little while longer, I figured I might as well give it another week or so. At the very least, it would give me some more to time to reflect in a safe environment.

Now, I would estimate that around ninety percent of people that know me, would say that I was a smart, confident guy that had it all together. What they never saw below my fabricated exterior, was me screaming at the top of my lungs, hanging on by only a thread, wanting to just lash out into an emotional outburst. I never did though, I always kept my composure, kept up appearances. I would suffer in silence. I couldn't risk having people think poorly of me, or that I was crazy. I have this constant need for approval inside of me. I always feel that if I don’t act a certain way, or do a certain thing, that people won’t like me. Or that people will say negative things about me behind my back. Of course, all of this is total crap, but I could just never wrap my head around that; I feel like I need to be affirmed by others to have significance. People would often tell me that I was cocky, or conceited. In reality, it was a lack of confidence in myself that led to this behavior. If I didn’t get the affirmation I was seeking, I’d try to create it by boasting about some achievement, or making up stories about myself. I never really took the time to realize that a lot of people just liked me for me. There was a constant emptiness inside of me, which I began filling with drinking, gambling, meaningless sex, etc. anything that would give me an artificial sense of happiness, fleeting as it may be.

When you are already a depressed person, drinking is the last thing you should be doing; I alluded to this in my first post. Drinking only makes you more depressed, withdrawn and feeling alone. Your mind gets so clouded and blurred that it’s impossible to make proper decisions. The drinking in itself was definitely an issue for me, but what was infinitely worse were the decisions I made when I was drunk. There were times, and I'm certainly not proud about this, that I would go out and get completely intoxicated and have no issue with hopping in the car and driving 160 km/h down a country road. I just didn’t care. Looking back, the thought of that terrifies me. What if I had actually hurt myself, or even worse, what if I hurt or killed someone else? I would often drive to the casino and gamble hundreds, if not thousands of dollars away, all in a vein attempt to feel good or to get some sort of affirmation. Neither of which ever came. I always ended up feeling alone and even more depressed. It began to become very evident that there was something deep down in me that needed to be healed.

To be continued...