Part 4 - A Brand New Day

After a few days in Abbotsford, my cousin introduced me to one of the pastors in his church, named Pam. She had done a lot to help him, and he felt it would be good for me. Of course, I was skeptical but I was willing to give anything a shot. Now, to put things in perspective, I’ve seen at least five psychiatrists, numerous therapists and a few different counsellors. I tell you though, no one ever got me or was able to see through me like Pam. My immediate instinct was to put my guard up and not let her in. She tore down my superficial safety wall in a matter of minutes however and we were able to proceed. Pam helped me to do something I’d never really done effectively. Pray. And more importantly, listen to what God wanted to tell me. The first thing we talked about was the burden’s I’ve been carrying around with me for the majority of my life. We worked extensively on removing these burdens, many of which were not even mine, I had just seemed to pick up along the way. For some reason I felt I was responsible for taking on other peoples problems and trying to help them, all the while ignoring my own. At one point Pam made me hold out my arm, she kept stacking books on it until it eventually gave out. A powerful demonstration for me, because that’s exactly what happened in my life. I had been carrying so much baggage around with me, it was weighing me down so much, that I eventually gave out, and gave up on myself. Pam spent hours praying with me, helping me to ask God to remove my burdens, which he did. We eventually moved on to forgiveness.

I’ve always believed in the power of forgiveness, and I’m always forgiving people in my prayers. I worked extensively at asking God to forgive me for my past transgressions. I continually forgave anyone who might have slighted me in the least. But what I never even thought to do was forgive myself. It never even occurred to me that that was a possibility. I needed other people’s forgiveness, not my own. But here’s the thing about forgiveness, how can you give it to someone else if you’re not able to give it to yourself? How can you give anyone anything, if you don’t have it yourself to give? So I began to forgive myself.  I forgave myself for screwing up in school,  I forgave myself for getting in trouble with the law, and my drinking, etc. Most importantly, I forgave myself for the burden of shame and guilt I had been carrying around with me for the past 12 or so years. - The reasons for which I’ll get into in later posts. After going through the process of removing so many burdens I’d been carrying around, and forgiving myself, and receiving God’s forgiveness, I felt as though a weight the size of Mount Rushmore had been lifted off my back. I felt as if my soul had been washed cleaned, like my identity had been cleansed, and then restored to me.

It was becoming increasingly evident that I should stay in Abbotsford. I think I knew all along that I should stay, but I couldn’t seem to get over how much I missed my family; even though I often felt withdrawn from them. I remember my sister saying to me once that I’m always the last to arrive and the first to leave family functions. And it seemed, at times, as though I didn’t really want to be there or that I had someplace better to be. Of course, I always defended myself and said that this was untrue. However, the more I think about it and the more I heal, the more I know that she was right. Because of this hole that was always inside of me, I’d look for ways to fill it with counterfeit affection. (alcohol, gambling, sex, etc.) Consequently I shut myself off from the possibility of real affection my family could provide.  I’d never allow myself to give my heart fully to anyone. I was afraid to get too close; I put up superficial walls to protect myself, all the while terrified someone would find out how fake I was, and expose me. You can see how cyclical depression can be!

To be concluded...

PS: I think it’s important to note that everybody is different, and each person’s approach to transformation will be unique to his or her particular situation. What works for me may not necessarily work for you. I don’t have a checklist on what to do if you’re sad, all I can do is share with you what I’m going through and what helps me. What’s equally important to note is that mental illness shows no bias. It doesn’t care if you’re popular, rich or good looking. It doesn’t even care if you feel happy and come from a good home. Mental illness can strike anyone, at any time.